Unparenting Course 2.0

Maybe you don’t. But then we have to wonder what you’re doing here. :) Maybe you’re here because something isn’t right between you and your children — something’s bothering you — and you’re looking for advice?

Because when we become parents, we start finding ourselves in new, unpredictable and challenging situations. We had some ideas about parenting before the baby was born, but now those might be out the window. We’re exhausted. Worn out. The parenting books and development charts say one thing, but the child in front of us does something completely different. Sound familiar?

Before long, the parents who wanted to raise their children in a way that makes sense to them hear themselves repeating the same things they heard from their own parents. They felt angry or hurt hearing those things as children, yet now they automatically reach for them — the same words in the same harsh tone that once made them flinch. And they don’t know how to stop. At that point reason and sensitivity take a hike, and parents just wish their child would act “normal” for once.

Have you ever experienced anything like this? Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel helpless?

How is that possible? Parents commonly say, “Only parents know best how to raise their children.” But the truth is, often we don’t.

Why reason and sensitivity aren’t always enough

For one thing, we all carry around the baggage from our own childhoods, inflicted on us in good faith through the way we were brought up. In difficult situations (like a baby crying all night), we automatically react from the position of a wounded child, not a mature parent. Those are the times you know what you ought to do, that you shouldn’t yell at a little child, yet you can’t stop yourself from lashing out, which you inevitably regret later.

Another reason is that we tend to repeat what we know. In retrospect, the way we were raised may not have been ideal, and we may want to do things differently, but in many cases we lack the skills. We want to do things differently, but we don’t know how, so we automatically reach for what we know from our parents or from people around us.

That may not always be a bad thing; this isn’t about criticizing our parents and the way they raised us and then doing the exact opposite. They did the best they could at the time, and they’re the reason you’re here. But if you don’t feel comfortable using the same methods and you keep experiencing the same problems with your children, that’s a signal that the parenting methods you are repeating may not be very effective.

If you feel sometimes that you’re lacking parenting skills, or if you can see that your methods are leading in a direction you don’t want to go and your children aren’t responding to you the way you want them to, then you might appreciate some outside input from a parenting course.

What a course can give you

In the Unparenting course, we don’t tell parents what to do. That wouldn’t cut it for the most important job in the world. We teach parents to find their own parenting skills. We help parents:

• recognize the old parenting patterns they are automatically repeating and break the cycle;
• see the world through their children’s eyes, understand what they’re thinking, and steer clear of ineffective parenting strategies;
• and learn to communicate with their children so the children can understand them and start acting like team players.

It’s not just a parenting course. It’s much more

The Unparenting course goes beyond parenting and how to fix problems with your children (although that is, of course, a large part of it). It’s about what we want to pass on to our children. When they become parents, do we want them to feel helpless and need a parenting course like we do? Or do we want to not pass on the same ineffective strategies and instead raise them in a way that better prepares them for adult life than we were?

Many people say things like, “Trust your instincts; every parent knows best how to raise their own child,” and there is a lot of truth in that. We do have natural parenting instincts, only they’ve been buried and twisted by so many parenting patterns, mistakes and hang-ups passed from generation to generation that we find ourselves floundering to find our bearings in something as natural as understanding our own children.

The Unparenting course is a chance to stop floundering and to start becoming a parent who doesn’t need parenting classes anymore.

From birth. Or even before that :) Some parents sign up for the course before their baby is even born. That way they can get off on the right foot and establish good communication with the baby from day one. What a wonderful way to keep problems from developing in the first place. If the big day has already passed, that’s okay. You can start any time, and Unparenting works at any age.

Are you wondering how you’re supposed to work things out with a baby who can’t talk yet?

Communication is more than just talking in words. Humans (even baby ones) also communicate with tears and laughter, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and in how they act and by what they do.

This nonverbal communication often communicates even more than words.

Think about it:

“Wow, great job!” said in a sincere tone and with a smile.

“Wow, great job!” said in a sarcastic tone and with an eye roll.

What conveys the real meaning? The words? Or the tone of voice and facial expression?

The problem isn’t that little ones can’t talk, but that parents aren’t accustomed to picking up on their nonverbal cues. They wait for little ones to use their words instead of listening to what the little ones are “communicating” right now.

This creates unnecessary misunderstandings that, by the time children are 2 or 3 years of age, often lead to frustration, lost tempers and unpleasant scenes that parents don’t quite know how to handle. It also leads to frustration on the part of the parents: I don’t know what she wants; I don’t know how to handle him; she never listens to me; I’m a bad parent; I’m incompetent; and so on.

And yet all you have to do is pay attention and respond to your child’s cues, and then it won’t be difficult to understand each other at all.

Myth: Babies don’t understand, because they can’t talk

In fact, not being able to talk has nothing to do with how much they understand. They are tuned in to you in a way that lets them understand you long before they say their first words.

They don’t need to understand your exact words to know what you’re trying to say. They listen to your voice and tone of voice, watch your facial expressions, sense your mood and your emotions. Just like you do with your partner or other loved ones.

You can tell when they’re upset or stressed out and not in the mood to talk to you even before they say anything. You can tell by their voice, the expression on their face, the way they act. They might even say, “I’m fine, dear, nothing’s wrong,” but you can tell something is off, because the words aren’t everything.

Young children are even more sensitive in this regard than adults, because before they can communicate in words, this is all they have. As soon as parents tune in and respond to them in turn, they start seeing that their little one understands much more than they’d thought.

Parents who start practicing Unparenting often say it’s surprising or even fascinating but almost always describe it as a good feeling when they and their children finally start understanding each other.

Myth: They’re too little to understand

They may be little, but they still have feelings. Our little ones notice how you treat them from a young age, and they learn from those things every day.

They imitate your approach, your tone, your reactions. Even now they’re learning from you the first sentences you’ll hear them say.

It’s actually pretty simple. If you listen to them, they learn to listen to you. If you don’t listen to them, they learn not to listen to you. If you fight with them, they learn to fight with you. If you lose your temper when something doesn’t go right between you, they learn to lose their tempers when something doesn’t go right for them. And if you say, “No, no, bad girl,” when she does something you don’t like, she learns to say, “No,” when you do something she doesn’t like.

That’s why the approach you take from the very beginning does matter. It’s already deciding how you will get along together in the future. Will your children scream and yell at you, or will they calmly ask for what they need? Will their first words be, “No! No! No! Uh-uh-uh, Mama!” or, “Mama, help”?

It’s not about the words. It’s about the approach

Unparenting is more than a few catchphrases from a book that your child wouldn't understand anyway. Unparenting is a whole new approach. It’s about seeing your children as team players ready to share their world with you, and you teaching them to find shared solutions that work for both of you.

Does a spoon work for every child? Every child is different, after all. And yet millions of children eat with a spoon. Even though each one has a different personality, genes and temperament, a spoon works for each of them. That’s because the spoon is a simple, practical tool. Once you learn to use it, then it works for you.

It’s similar with Unparenting.

With Unparenting we give you tools, not a manual

Unparenting is not a how-to manual that tells you, “Do this, say that, and it will work.” It’s not lines to memorize or complicated theories to master. It’s taking a completely different approach to your children. It’s looking for ways to work with them, not things that work on them.

When we say “things that work on them,” we mean when parents want to get their child to do (or not do) something specific and they’re just looking for a button to push to make that happen. The trouble with this approach is that it fails to account for the fact that every child is different.

Imagine a child is yelling and acting out because he doesn’t want to go home from the playground, for instance, and the parent isn’t asking any questions but is just trying a variety of tricks to get him to leave. Parents might bluff: “Okay, I’m going home; you can stay here.” They might bribe: “Come on, I’ll buy you ice cream.” Or they might threaten: “Do you want to lose screen time?” In the end, they do manage to leave the playground, but neither one of them is happy. The parent is exhausted and annoyed at having to argue with a child, and the child is sullen and irritated at having to give in.

“Ways to work with them” means the opposite: Parents stop looking for tricks and instead start communicating. They aren’t trying to strong-arm the child into compliance, but they’re really interested in understanding and figuring out where the problem is. At the same time, they tell their child what they themselves want and need, without manipulative strategies, and ask what the child wants and needs. Then, together, they find a solution that works for them both.

The difference between a manual and a tool

Unparenting never tells you, “Give your little one a bottle when you’re ready to leave the park.” That solution came from one particular mother with one particular child; they came up with it together, and it suits them both. If you were to use the same solution, it might not work or suit you at all. Because you’d simply be copying someone else’s how-to manual.

It’s the same with other how-to advice: Give them a pacifier, don’t give them a pacifier, put them in a crib, don’t put them in a crib, tell a story before bed so they get sleepy, don’t talk to them before bed so they won’t get worked up, make them do their homework right after school so they’re organized, don’t make them do their homework right after school so they can rest, and on and on. These are all other people’s experiences, often diametrically opposed, and, sure, you can try some of these methods and they might or might not work for you. But they’re not about you, and they don’t account for the fact that every child (and every parent) is different.

That’s why Unparenting doesn’t offer manuals for particular situations. We give you the tools to find your OWN solution to YOUR situation. What does that mean exactly?

We’ll teach you …

How to communicate with your children so that you understand them and can work out what they really need. How to work things out together so your child will stop fighting and acting out and instead start taking steps toward what you really need.

Once you master that, Unparenting can work for you with any child (and adult) — because your solutions will come from you and your needs, not advice from other people who don’t know anything about you and your child.

That wouldn’t work for us. My child doesn’t respond to these kinds of questions

Unparenting isn’t just about specific questions to ask your child. That would bring us back around to manuals (“do this, say that, it’ll work”), which never work for everyone. Unparenting is about changing your overall approach to children: moving from Police / Teacher / Buddy parenting to Unparenting.

Like it or not, your child hears much more than just the words you say. She hears the tone you use in speaking to her. She hears the trust, or lack of trust, in your voice when you ask questions. She picks up on your unspoken signals — whether you’re looking for things that’ll work on her or ways to work with her. And whether you see her as a team player with the ability to cooperate and say what she needs or a little monster you have to tame.

Communication is more than just words.

In fact, communication is far more than words. It’s what you feel and experience when talking to your children. It’s what lies behind the words. Your child senses all that and responds to it. That’s why you can’t just repeat things you heard in an audio or read in an article, can’t ask a particular question and expect your kid to automatically toe the line. To understand your child and work things out together, you’ll have to change your approach entirely.

And that does not mean giving in to whatever they want.

Or discussing everything ad nauseam.

Or waiting for your baby to grow up and start talking.

It means not looking for instructions that will work on your child and instead learning to find ways to work with your child. Once you make this change, your child will soon start responding in kind. He’ll stop pretending not to hear you and start being willing to listen and work with you. And you’ll be able to relax in the knowledge that you don’t need an instruction manual, because you’ll be able to find a solution together.

Yes, it will. Unparenting works even when only one parent uses it. Children learn largely by imitation, which means they see what you do, how you treat them and how you handle things. When you take an Unparenting approach, your children will soon follow your lead. As you step away from the old strategies, so will they: They’ll stop yelling, stomping their feet to get their way, talking back, sulking and lying, and they’ll start talking to you about what is bothering them, what they need, and how you can find a solution together that works for you both.

They might continue interacting with their other parent in the old patterns, but that’s okay. They will learn that not everybody is the same; everybody has different reactions, opinions and even boundaries. This of course is an excellent life lesson, since they’ll be meeting all sorts of people and situations in life and won’t always be met with open communication.

The family environment gives children the perfect place to practice, surrounded by people they love (the other parent, Grandma, Grandpa) who may take a different approach to parenting. They’ll learn that sometimes working things out is impossible, communication is closed, and things just don’t turn out right. That’s part of life too.

But both parents have to be on board, don’t they?

The belief that both parents have to take the same approach often stems from fear that the child will get out of hand. Fear that the child will be confused when each parent acts differently.

And yet life doesn’t have the same rules everywhere either. Munching on popcorn is totally fine at the movies, but not at a play. That’s not confusion; that’s just things being different. Kids notice that. They start figuring out how things work in different places, and pretty soon they have it down. So when you go to the movies, the kids might want popcorn because you got it there last time, but if you take them to a play, it probably won’t even cross their minds.

It’s the same within the family. Kids learn very quickly that when Mommy does bedtime, they get a bedtime story, but with Daddy it’s roughhousing before bed — and they’re not confused at all. They’ll also understand if one parent does Unparenting with them and the other doesn’t.

And they’ll pick up on the difference in how you communicate with them as compared with their other parent. And they’ll notice once things start going better and you understand each other more and more. When your children realize that they can talk to you and work things out instead of playing games, screaming and making excuses, they often begin using the same techniques with their grandparents or other parent, and that relationship improves as well. Eventually they may start with Unparenting as well.

I’m afraid my partner/mom/dad will never go for this

You might find it hard to imagine that one day your child’s other parent or grandparents could get on board with Unparenting, especially if you don’t get along very well as it is and every attempt at communication ends in an argument.

That’s okay too. Start using Unparenting communication where you can and where it makes the most sense — with your children. Focus on getting it to work for you in that relationship, and don’t try to change the people around you. Imitation works wonders. Often a partner who was originally against the idea of Unparenting will naturally pick up on your approach and imitate it when they see how your children are changing and how well it works for you.

What about shared custody?

It’s particularly important in shared custody situations for parent and child to have a close, trusting relationship and for the child to be able to express all their uncertainties, fears and frustrations. It’s no easy thing to change environments and people every week.

And that safe relationship filled with open communication and trust — that’s exactly what you get with Unparenting. So even though it may be a bit more challenging to get Unparenting going when you share custody (for example, if the parents don’t talk much and the other parent doesn’t understand the Unparenting style), in the end, your child especially will benefit from it massively.

Children get a safe, open parent they can always confide in and work with to find solutions to whatever is bothering them, and at the same time they come to terms with the whole situation much better.

I want to do the course, but my significant other doesn’t agree

If you like the idea of the Unparenting course and would like to try it but your child’s other parent doesn’t agree and you don’t know how to move forward, you can download a .pdf file called “Unparenting in a Nutshell” to help you out.

We have parents in the Unparenting course whose children have diagnoses like ADHD, autism and Down syndrome. They agree that an Unparenting approach has helped them. All children have one thing in common: They want to understand and be understood by their parents.

The annual membership means you have access to the course and all its content for one year and you can go at your own pace. You can take as long between lessons as you need and return to them as necessary. You will have plenty of time to listen and go over things.

If you like, you can go through the whole course several times over. You could go through it first on your own and then again with your partner (or co-parent), who can share your access free of charge. The same goes for your children’s grandparents. You can use the Restart function to reset all lessons and go through the course like it was new.

We’ll let you know when your annual membership is close to ending. If you find that you need more time, you can extend your access with a subscription. You can subscribe for a month, two months, or as long as you like.

How does it work on a practical level?

The whole course is online and accessible through a mobile app. All you need is an internet connection and a mobile device.

Download the app here

Android: Google Play

iOS: App store

When your annual membership starts, you will receive your login details, sign in to the app and access the course interface. Then you can go through the course at your own pace. You’ve got a whole year. The app is intuitive and easy to use, so it will guide you.

The whole thing is online, so you can set the tempo yourself. You decide how much time to spend on it each day or week. There’s no rush.

On the other hand, we do recommend setting aside regular time for the course and not putting it off for too long. You’re doing this because something isn’t right in your relationship with your children or because you’d like to change a few things in your home. So there’s no point putting it off and letting problems pile up.

The course comes with a mobile app that will make it easier to listen regularly. Just download the course to your phone, and then you can listen anywhere — like while you’re cooking or driving.

The course is divided into five weeks, each on a different topic, but you will have access to it for a year (you pay for an annual membership). We want to give parents plenty of time to make it through the whole thing at their own pace, without feeling rushed, and more than once if they’d like. As they learn to put Unparenting principles into practice, parents can go back and listen to particular lessons as many times as they need to until everything becomes second nature. It’s not like an in-person class, where the lesson ends, the instructor says goodbye, and all you have to rely on are your notes. We know learning takes time.

But we also know that many people pay for courses and books that they never get around to taking or reading. They keep putting them off until the kids are older, the problems get worse, or they finally have more time. We want to encourage you not to put things off.

Because when you have kids, there’s always another challenge or new development around the corner, so if you don’t have an hour a week to do the course now, you probably won’t have it 10 years from now either. You’re getting the course right now for a reason that is important to you. That’s why now is the right time to start and make the most of it. Don’t wait for the kids to get older or the problems to get worse.

Access for a year lets you set your own pace, go back over things and soak everything in. At the same time, it also encourages you not to “forget” about the course and put it off forever.

And after the year is up?

If you find that you need more time, you can extend your access with a subscription. You can subscribe for a month or longer, as you like.

We will give you a heads up when your year is almost over and remind you that you can extend if you wish. Don’t worry about keeping track if you’re just starting out. Go ahead and dive into the course. A year is long enough to learn and apply everything the course offers.

Even if you do not choose to extend your subscription immediately, you can still come back to it and subscribe again in the future. That means if you decide at some point that you would like to go over it again, you won’t need to pay for the whole thing again. You simply reactivate your subscription for as long as you need and review to your heart’s content!

You can share the course with your partner (or co-parent) and your children’s grandparents. We want you to be able to support each other and have the opportunity to learn Unparenting straight from the source — parents and grandparents alike. :) Only, of course, if that’s what the other adults in your child’s life also want.

More about access for your child’s other parent and grandparents:

Other users in the family will get their own login details. They’ll be able to listen to the audio in the course app.

You may not share the course with anyone else

Your purchase of the course secures access for the parents and grandparents of one child (or children). Sharing the course with anyone else (your friend, sister, etc.) is against our terms and conditions. Thank you for respecting these rules.

We’ve been around since 2013. We make free content, webinars, and articles so that Unparenting can help as many parents as possible. We also provide customer care within the course. This whole time we’ve been supporting ourselves — no grants or subsidies of any kind. The proceeds from the course allow us to do our work and cover the payroll for our 30 hardworking colleagues, rent for our offices, equipment for recording, etc.

We try to be responsible for ourselves and spread Unparenting principles so that other parents can find what they come to us for as well. If everyone who pays for the course shares it with others, we won’t be able to keep doing that.

We pour everything we know — our whole hearts — into the course

We believe that if parents put everything into it as well, their investment into the relationship with their children will pay off many times over. If you want someone else to have the Unparenting course, like a friend or relative, we recommend you tell them about it. Share what you have gotten out of the course and how it has helped and inspired you, but please do not share the course itself and deprive them of the opportunity to make their own commitment and dive into Unparenting for real.

We want you to have the chance to try out the course and see if it is a good fit for you, so we provide a two-week trial period.

Once you sign up and we receive your payment (either in full or the first installment), we will send you your login information. Your two-week trial period begins then. You will be able to go through all the content from the first two weeks and get a good feel for whether Unparenting suits you.

If you find the course is not for you, just write to [email protected] and say you would like to withdraw from the course, and we will send you a refund. No questions asked, no guilt trips.